There's so much in this mess that I hate.
I hate that Spencer asks if Daddy is home everytime he hears me or someone else open the garage door. The boys always had a sort of game with Adam that as soon as they heard the garage door, they'd all run around the house and hide--under blankets, tables, anywhere really. It was like their own game of hide and seek that they did daily when Adam was home from work. Daddy would pretend that he didn't know Justin was under blankets on the couch, or better yet, Justin would make dummies that looked like him with pillows and cover blankets over the top. Oh he loved when he was watching Adam and could fake him out. Priceless smiles I have in my memory of this almost daily routine.
I find myself sniffing his deoderant. It was his one characteristic smell through the years, that always smelled good. He hated all cologne, even if I tried to convince him to wear some that I liked. I think he deemed cologne to be "girly" or something. Interesting that the last perfume he bought me was "Beautiful." I think of his calling me beautiful when I wear it. He always said I was beautiful, no matter what weight changes happened through the years.
I hate that people don't know what to say to me. I'd rather they say nothing at all. It really is more therapeutic, truly. It makes THEM uncomfortable to say nothing, but really there isn't anything that can be said, so nothing does feel better than silence to me right now. I HATE the phrase "How are you?" I HATE IT. For two reasons, really. 1) The answer that I say in my head before I can open my mouth (and sometimes it comes out my mouth) is "How do you THINK I'm doing. REALLY?" and 2) No one really wants to know. I mean, they DO, but if they really knew, NO they wouldn't. It's a hellish world that I'm in right now full of uncertainty and turmoil, and no one really wants to know. I mean, maybe they do out of curiosity, but no, they really don't. No one wants to know the sick awful gruesome terrible that is my life now. And I share bits and pieces with others. But if others were smart, they'd realize that this is a question that they don't really want to ask. It would be better to just say hello and give me a smile. And no, not a puppydog I'm-glad-I'm-not-you or I'm-so-sorry smile. But a real smile to show they care...a genuine one.
I hate that I'm going through this while my babies are hurt, we are emotionally scarred, in addition to the logistics of what's going on. It all is awful. And I HATE driving my car. I drive consistantly 5 or more miles less than every speed limit.
I hate when my kids realize yet one more thing that "will be different" and won't ever be the same again because their dad is gone.
I hate when I think of something funny and think "I can't wait to tell Adam" and then I realize that I can't. Or when I think, "I'll have to ask Adam about that because he'd know" and I just can't. I can't believe how much during the course of the day that I do this.
It all is just unimaginably awful, and there's nothing that a single person can do to bring him back. And so begins all the reality of my...OUR new life. I miss my Adam.
9 comments:
Love ya. Glad you started the blog.
Even though our losses are COMPLETELY different, I agree with your preference for silence. I would have a hard time making it through hymns at church without totally losing it, let alone someone trying to say something- anything really- and then putting their foot in their mouth in the process.
I'm here. I'll read. I pray. Love ya.
No words. Just tears. And hugs, from afar. And daily prayers.
it is so helpful to know what to say.... or not say. No words, but thinking of you and your family.
Hey Melissa. I have to say I love when you said "why do they ask how I am?" Cause I kinda know...at least from when I lost my mom. People would ask "how's your dad?". And I'd want to say "great! Super fantastic! bouncing back like it was nothing you know". Cause they wouldn't want to know that the week I spent with him after her death us kids had to take turns sleeping on mom's side of the bed just to hear him wake up sobbing in the middle of the night. No one really wants to know. You've got that RIGHT. I watnted to share this quote with you (I've got it on my facebook page, and I just know you're totally stalking me on facebook and have already read this :) ) This quote is from a book I'm reading and he's talking about losing his wife during child birth.
"But the sense of loss was like a wound. He had heard that people who had had the toes chopped off of one foot could not stand up, but fell over constantly until they learned to walk again. He felt like that, as if part of him had been amputated, and he could not get used to the idea that it was gone forever." - Ken Follet from The Pillars of the Earth.
It stopped me in my tracks. Thinking of you. Miss your face.
Here to listen.
I hope writing helps you get through this awful time. I hope you find it at least a little theraputic, if not very. I hope the Lord pours out his Spirit for comfort. You've been in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you a real smile, with love.
glad to see the blog. nobody can imagine what you are going through even if they've had a similar experience of losing a spouse. you are doing your best and myself and the entire family are just in awe at your strength. you probably don't feel that way but it's true.
one moment at a time uh?
loves to you and the boys.
Hi, I don't know you but I know Sarah Runyon. I came across your blog from hers and I just want to send you my love and prayers. I too lost my husband in an accident. He passed away almost 4 years ago and left me with 2 kids. I can't say that I know exactly what you're feeling, but I can say that I know some of what you are going through. There are no words of comfort that will be enough but know that there are people in this world, and in the heavens, that love you and are there to carry you through the tough times. Please feel free to contact me if you want. May God's blessings and comfort be with you and your family.
Sara Rogers
msrogers1@yahoo.com
970-324-5783
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