done a sort of...well...mean thing. Maybe a VERY rude thing? Not sure how to describe it exactly, so here's my confession:
We decided to take a field trip tonight to the store that I have a love-hate relationship with....Walmart. I was SO looking forward to not ever having to visit this store again because of my strong distain for the place. I guess I was put in my place by this accident. Humbled, if you will, knowing that every penny WILL make a difference in my life forever now. Anyway, so I needed to pick up some medicine for Spencer and get a couple things, and my mom and Spencer really needed a trip out of the house, so they waited in the car while I ran in.
Oh wait....so BEFORE all this, right as we were getting ready to go, a news reporter was on my doorstep, looking for a response from me to some legal action being taken today. I feel very neutral on the subject (today anyway) and didn't have anything to say (much to the reporter's disappointment, I'm sure.). Ok, so this was an important detail with which I needed to preface this little confession-of-sorts. So remember this part.
We were driving home from the dreaded 'Mart and we were stopped at a red light, us in the left hand turn lane and another minivan in the "either go straight or turn right" lane. She was going to go straight. She saw, across the street, the same reporter (who had been on my doorstep an hour earlier) with his special van with the satellite thing extended in the air, along with the camera man, the reporter doing his special report. The clock in my van read 5:58--he was doing a repeat of the "breaking news" that he brought at the 5:00 news, again at the 6:00 news. I had watched the 5:00 news and it was a nice enough report of the new goings on for today (you can google it, I prefer not to mention it all on my blog) so I knew what he was rehashing again, an hour later. It was the lead-off story.
So this lady in her minivan next to me looks at me very puzzled, very intrigued by the news van/reporter. She kept looking at me like I might know what was going on (we're still at a red light mind you....and actually it was the same red light where the defendant started his fateful journey on "the" day). I just sort of smiled at her, thinking to myself and saying to my mom (also in the front seat), "If you only knew lady...." The next thing I know, she is rolling down her window at me. I weighed my thoughts very carefully, but maybe not carefully enough? And then I rolled down my window. She said, "Wow, I wonder what's going on over there!" So I muttered what was in my head. "I know what he's doing. My husband was killed in a car crash by a drunk driver. He's reporting on that."
Mind you, I don't say these things to people out of pity. OR even really to shock them and see how they'll respond. Maybe a part of me does this out of anger. Or out of wanting someone to sort of understand the screaming I have in my head, even though they won't really. So then I wonder my motives. Am I doing this to watch people squirm? That just sounds twisted and wrong. So I still haven't decided why. Hmm.
I don't really remember what I said after that, she muttered a few things to me as I was rolling up my window. I remember, "God bless you," but not much else. My mom said that the lady's face turned white. I really didn't intend on upsetting her; but I think I'm very interested in the human response to such a tragedy right now. I think I've been on a quest to remind people (myself included) that you just never know who is standing next to you--on the road, in the grocery store, at work, at school, at church, at the post office. And if we have that mindset that there are lots of people that have terrible things going on in their lives, maybe we'd all be a bit more patient with one another, more loving, more apt to cut people a bit more slack. It's an interesting concept.
Which is also why I did a similar thing yesterday while we were visiting "Adam's" hospital. I had Justin with me. Justin was wearing his sling for his broken clavicle. A man on the elevator, while on the way up to visit "Adam's" department says to Justin, while tapping Justin's shoulder, "Hey, what'd you do there? Hit someone really hard?" He was just trying to make conversation, just trying to joke. But in my less than joking mood (especially since he'd touched my son...) I said to him, "No, actually his dad was just killed by a drunk driver and he was hurt in the car accident." To which we stepped off the elevator, left the guy stunned and mumbling inaudible words and didn't turn back around to look at him.
And maybe that was mean, maybe he was visiting his dying mother in the hospital. Who knows. So it teaches ME right too.
But we just never know who might be standing nearby. It has given me pause to think on today.
7 comments:
Melissa, I don't think you did a mean thing, and I can't imagine that the woman in the car or the man on the elevator thinks you did either. We all say stupid things sometimes that we regret, and like you said, it's a reality check for us too right? I work at Costco as a cashier and I see men buying flowers all the time and I am a smarty pants and tease them by asking "Are you trying to get out of the dog house?" or some other nonsense joke, and usually they laugh with me, but sometimes I've nailed it on the head and I feel like a jerk! I guess I see myself in the elevator guy, but I don't think you should feel bad at ALL.
I think about you so much. I have mourned the hardest for you and your boys... but mostly for you. You are in the prayers of MANY MANY people. You are so wonderfully honest Melissa. It's funny because I absolutely KNOW that there is nothing I can say to make it better, and that silence is often all that you'll want, and yet I selfishly continue to write you messages, because I guess it makes me feel a little better... not really though. It's probably more along the lines that I want you to know that I'm still thinking about you. That even though I knew Adam longer, that it's YOU I ache for, which may sound weird, and really I should just shut up now! But... there it is. Anyway... now for that blessed silence.......................
Obviously any life experience I.have had pales in comparison to what you are going through but I do in part understand wanting to tell people. When I had my first miscarriage I wanted to tell people. It was like because my world had changed I wanted theirs to change too or something like that.
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Sorry you had to go to Wally World, its my least favorite place to shop too! We are praying for you.
Ok, so I don't know what your problem with Mal*Mart is? Wal*Mart has provided so much entertainment to me since moving to the midwest. Why, the other day, as I was contemplating things (while washing my hair in the shower), I recalled a funny little lady that works there- how she always puts her shirt over her nose when she sweeps the detergent isle- all the while grumbling angery things about being allergic... and in my head I called her a funny cast member! A CAST MEMBER. Like at Disneyland. HAHAHAHA Yeah- I spend way too much time parousing Wal*Mart.
Anyways, now that you HAVE to endure WalMart, enjoy yourself. That place is a WORLD of entertainment. And oh so cheap :) I never want to stop going there. I always feel like a classy person shopping there. Just look around at your peers. 9 times out of 10, at Wal*Mart, you will win!
On another note- reporters are so disturbing. I remember when that horrible sickening "Mall shooting" happened a couple years ago. I remember watching a reporter actually smiling and looking a little excited just outside the mall- RIGHT AFTER IT HAPPENED- so soon after that it might have still been happening..., interviewing a woman who had witnessed everything. I remember he asked her "How do you feel?" and she was totally shocked and looked at him like he was totally insane and said "How do you THINK I feel?!" He could hardly contain his glee at the "big story," and his insensitivity was enough to shock EVERYONE watching. I was so disgusted, I have never been able to watch the news the same. They are mentally not right. They give me the creeps a little!
Good girl, Melissa. You keep doing that. You're right; people often don't think that the people they're seeing in line, or in traffic, etc...have had the bad things happen to them that they hear about on the news. But hopefully what you said taught those people to be a little more sensitive, or at least to mind their own business a bit! When I interviewed for the company I'm with now, there was a woman up front with a face mask on. It was December, so I said something to the supervisor about her wearing it due to it being flu season (because when I interviewed, I was sick w/a cold). She said, oh no, Sue is a double lung transplant and if she breathes in any germs she could go into remission and die. Whoo! So I try not to take things for granted anymore, and hopefully you taught the same thing to those people.
Melissa. I just wish I could hug you right now. A big hug, some chocolate cake and a girl movie. Someday I am going to pop in and do just that. I had typed a lot more but for now I erased it and just decided to let you know today that you are loved.
What you say is true, Melissa. When things happen in our lives we become so much more sensitive to what others might feel and learn that saying certain things (even out of "conversation") might be hurtful. Not that we want to be on egg shells, but I know what you mean. I have stopped asking all the young married folks when they will start having kids. After having 2 miscarriages and people who didn't know asking me "when we were going to have kids already" made me more compassionate to the fact that maybe those people are trying to have kids and something is wrong. Sometimes it gave me some sort of "pleasure" if you will to say to those people that actually I had been pregnant, but lost the baby just to make them stop asking those questions of people.
It is interesting how over the years (mainly in my 20s and now 30s) things have happened that have grown my compassion. I wish those things never had to happen for me to be a more compassionate person, but they did and I am. Being a teacher has taught me much compassion over the years as I'm sure it will continue to teach me. I have experienced the deaths of many young lives - and now being a parent, it makes me even more gripped when something like that happens.
Beautifully written, Melissa. I have had many experiences that have made me stop and wonder what the person next to me might be going through. This has definitely been one of them. Love, love, love your refreshing honesty. You made me laugh and cry in the same post :). You are so amazing. Prayers, thoughts, and lots of love . . . especially today.
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