Just tired. Sick and tired

of it all.  I wish Adam were around to help me with his little boys.  I know he wouldn't have ever wanted to leave me with this mess, and especially to have his little boys hurt.  But even more, to have ME hurt the way I do.  I know he loved me like no one else and this is not how he'd have things.

Another bad night last night.

Some members of our ward were over doing some wonderful service to our home all day yesterday.  They spent all day.  ALL day.  I will be forever grateful to them because I now feel much more comfortable in our home.  It gives me much peace of mind.  So grateful to them.

But being up all day and changing the routine (or sort of routine?) of what we've been doing, made us all a little off.  A friend came in town for the weekend for some family business and she came and took me out for molton chocolate cake last night at Chili's, our old get-away-need-some-me time.  But, as it occured to me when I got home, taking Chili's molton chocolate cake "to go" became something Adam and I turned into "our" time.  It's hard--reminders of him, all the time.  Many good times.  But the wound is so deep and hurtful that he's gone that it makes things tough.  But I'm really glad I got to go out and escape for a short bit.

Unfortunately, I was up again last night with Spencer (and my mom).  And it isn't quite like new-baby-getting-up-needing-fed-so-I'm-tired feeling.  It's more like waking up to an ambulance screaming a siren, telling me that he hurts and itches and that the new sores from his cast on his rear end hurt.  Poor Spencer.  It's just awful.  I've wanted to tape record all the middle of the night screaming and slip the tape to the nurses caring for the defendant and make them play it for him in the middle of the night.  All night.  Even though it wouldn't make a world of difference in bringing back my Adam, it would make him get a glimpse into the hell that he created for me and my boys.

I know that people like to relate to me on the level of "my mom died" or "my son died" because they feel like there's a different connection then between us.  And sometimes I can feel that, or understand a bit of what they have suffered.  And not that one grief is worse than the other, but yes.  It IS very different.  (And don't read this or be offended, those of you to whom this may apply because I'm really not projecting this to any one person, I've heard stories now of hundreds of people who've lost loved ones and have tried to connect with me...it's human nature to try to relate to others, to find that need to connect.  It IS.  And I understand that.  So know that before I say the following....).  Losing a spouse is NOT like losing a child, grandparent, friend, or parent.  I'm really glad that one of my widowed friends pointed this out to me early on in this, it was really a validating point.  When we lose a child, we have our spouse or significant other to turn to, or at least oftentimes.  When losing a spouse, there isn't someone to turn to in the same way.  Yes, I have my children.  But I can't hug them the same way or feel the same type of comfort I would feel in Adam's arms.  Also, in my situation, I can't exactly hug two of my children.  I repeat over and over in my mind the words of (I think it was) my Bishop who said in the ER when I found out about everything and someone wanted to take Carson to hold him for me...he called him my "blanket."  And then he said that he'd understand if I wanted to just hold him and not give him to someone else to hold.  He was right.  Carson has been the only one I can really snuggle up to, my comfort.  My shield from all the bad.  I can't hug Spencer, I can kiss his head though.  And I can't hug Justin like I'd like to because he's not healed and is at that crucial healing point where he can rebreak if he's not very careful...one of my big worries.

So.  No.  I don't understand what it's like to lose a parent or a child.  I do know what it's like to lose grandparents that I loved dearly and I felt my world shattered when they died.  BUT.  Losing my eternal companion trumps it all.  It does.  It's going to take a lot to heal from this very raw wound.  And A LOT of time.  Maybe a lifetime.